Have you and your spouse ever had a minor disagreement blow up into major dissension? In the blink of an eye, you go from calm to crazy, from logical to irrational, and most importantly, from united to divided. If you answered yes to that question, join the club. The truth is, almost all of us have stories of conflict like this in our marriages. The good news is these stories don’t have to become a pattern or define us, but we do need to know how to fight fair.
Conflict is almost inevitable in marriage. We come from different families of origin, have different perspectives, and unique temperaments. Not to mention, men and women are just hardwired differently. There’s built-in resistance, plus the spiritual resistance we face when we try to do marriage God’s way.
Here’s the reality: most (all) couples fight. However, there’s a big difference between couples who are thriving in marriage versus those who are just surviving. Thriving couples understand the value of fighting for resolution and oneness in marriage. Unfortunately, those who don’t often find themselves in the frequent cycle of negativity that just seems to feed itself. They’re most interested in winning the argument, getting their way, or shutting their spouse down.
How did we get here? At the core is frequently a selfish, me-first mindset. Unmet expectations (which are frequently unspoken—but that’s a different subject for a different day) lead to feelings of disappointment, which often result in withholding love, either consciously or subconsciously. And the root of all of that is pride, where it’s all about me. “Why is he/she treating me this way?” “Why is he/she not giving me what I need?” “Why is he/she stressing me out?” Me, me, and me. The me monster feeds the cycle of negativity.
There is a better way. Thriving couples aren’t lucky, have better circumstances, or just have amicable personalities. They have conflict as well. Thriving couples don’t just avoid conflict or sweep it under the rug. Healthy couples just handle conflict differently. They handle it God’s way. There’s a key value these couples embrace, and it’s humility.
Value others above yourselves. It’s just that simple. However, we all know that simple and easy are not always the same thing. We must choose to die to selfish ambition and allow Jesus to transform our lives from the inside out. He is the model of humility, and scripture encourages us to take on his mindset. Humility is not a leadership trait we train. It’s part of our character, developed by spending time with Jesus.
What does having this mindset look like? Thriving couples have learned to humble themselves and to fight fair. As they do, they experience a deeper level of intimacy and connection with each other. Here are three keys to maintaining a thriving marriage, even with the inevitability of occasional conflict.
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13
“To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.” Proverbs 18:13
“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” Ephesians 4:15
When we learn to fight fair in our marriages, our connection strengthens, our intimacy deepens, and we thrive, not just survive!
